Love, then.
You know what I love?
The idea of owning a godmother. The smell of coffee. Shutting someone off. Crying on my sejadah until I fall asleep. Keeping my mouth shut. Talking. Writing. Exploring. Eating. The feel of coldness of the morning breeze against my cheeks and my tiny little toes. Bawling my eyes out on a stupid drama series. Stay up late doing nothing. Doodle. Colors. Flowy cutey skirts.Eating something heavy for breakfast and supper. Looking all messed up and still expecting someone would say I'm the prettiest girl. My mood disorders, I love them. It makes me ME.Crying with your bestfriend because she cried first. Nail paintings. Sleep all day. Curl up in a ball trying to sleep because you feel a hole in your chest. Inspiring stories/words/people. And Him. And him. And my family. And my friends. And myself.
You know what I hate?
People. The twisted minds of those people make me crazy. They want to be pleased every second. I hate that dizzy feeling on Sundays. I hate being blamed, being shouted at, being left alone. I hate that empty feeling in my chest when I have a fight with him. I hate that hole in my chest when I realize my life will never be good as new, or even good anymore. I hate the negativity of how my mind works. I hate how negative I am. I hate how I don't have a perfect happy family. I hate how deep deep inside I am broken and I know I'm not gonna be fixed.
But you know what I hate the most?
I hate hopes.
Hopes keep me out of reality. Hopes keep me out of focus. I hate hopes. I hoped. To a guy, to my dad, to my friends, to my mom, to myself, to EVERYfreakingONE. But they burnt them without any guilt in front of my eyes. Adding more and more salt to my wounded heart, wrapping it all up with a sand paper.
So yeah, I reaaally hate hopes.
It saddens me that it hurts to even have that slight of hope, you know? As much as I hate them, I need to hope. For something better. Like, when I'm gonna get married. Who I'm gonna marry. What's my life gonna be like apart from what they have planned for me. You know, that kinda things. But I'm scared and scarred now. I'm like crawling to prevent falling. I can't afford another fall.
I was a dreamer. A big one. But I don't dream anymore because I am impaired.
I know things will get better. But they have to get worse to get better. And through it all, I know I have Him and him. In my heart, beside me.