A productive night, I must say.

Memang stress dengan Blogger punya new interface. Lembap dan sangat hodoh walaupun convenient untuk pengguna Blogger. But still buruk.

I cannot remember whether I have told you that I passed my first year and I am confirmed, InsyaAllah, to proceed to Year 2 :D If I did tell you, let's just be happy for me once again :P

So, I have two months of longggg holidays that I always long for. But, when it really happens, it's actually pretty boring. Mnyeh :/

Basically I've been drawing, making up some theories, helping my mom dengan cookies and stuff. And it repeats like that lah the cycle. Repeated schedule tires me. It bores me, too. I don't mind to live with it but it freaking bores me to the pits of the hell.

Okay.

I mentioned about theories right? Wanna know what they are?

I have two theories so far. A) Why do I have stage fright and B) Why do I cry when people shout.

For A) :
To be honest, I wasn't a stagefright-er before. I mean, I was the pidato girl at school, I had a nasyid group in my primary school and I was the freaking lead singer -.-" I was the prefect. I guarded the gate every morning and was very strict. I posted love letters. Bahahahah. Well, to be short, I shone during my primary school period. Heck yeah I did.

And then I hit puberty. Hahaha. Oh wait, I need to pee. Sat naa

Okayyy :DDD

Okay then I hit puberty. Krrkrr. Not exactly. I mean, I reached that phase lah. That awkward phase. To make things worse, I changed school. I moved to another home. Where I knew no one. I didn't know NO ONE. And if you don't know me yet, I'm not that bubbly friendly kind of person. Maybe I am to some people but it is SO hard for me to make new friends unless in desperate measures. Like moving to a new place with a new school and a new environment. Like that.

Okay dah lari point. All that up there was to explain that I wasn't a stagefright-er before. Maybe, this is just maybe. My family and I, we are not THAT close you know. And, I'm the middle child. It is completely normal for me to feel like I am left out. I have two brothers. I ALWAYS think that they are the favourite ones. And when we have like a family dinner or meetings or something, everybody talks. I just laugh. Why you ask? Because no one will listen.

It's true.

When abang talks, everybody gives responses. Same goes to Aish. But when I wanna talk, they change the topic. Do you know how it feels? It's..sad. Frustrating.

So I concluded and came up with my own theory that I don't even get my family to lend me their ears and listen while I'm talking, so when a group of people suddenly have their attention on me, I get reaaally nervous. It's not in my nature to be in the centre of attention. I'm always the shadow. The one with lack of confidence. :)

So that was A.

For B) :

I think it's because of my dad. When I was not-so-little, during weekends, the whole family will spend the two days dekat our other home in Cheras. Masa tu tak pindah for good lagi. Just macam rumah singgah gitu. And I was playing lahh lari-lari sana sini. I was a kid kan. And masa tu, cerita cartoon Tommy and Oscar popular and I loved that series. I don't know why. I don't even remember anything except the characters je.

So I was playing. Mom was preparing lunch and Ayah tengah baca suratkhabar dekat meja makan when suddenly I saw on that current page of the newspaper Ayah was reading, ada gambar Tommy and Oscar. I got so excited that I ran to his back lah and I screamed 'EHHH TOMMY AND OSCAR LAH!'

I meant no harm time tu. I swear I meant no harm. I was just excited. But what Ayah did was beyond and never in my expectations. He slapped me. Like, really slapped me. After he yelled at me. I was shocked lah of course. And takut and confused. Why did Ayah do that?

Tapi masa tu, I acted cool je. I wasn't that terus nangis kat situ type of person. I held it and then I went to the toilet and cried.

Since that day, adalah few events yang Ayah mengamuk and yelled and throw stuffs. I'd cry eventhough it wasn't me yang caused it. Faham tak? I don't know why. I just cannot handle it when people shout at me. Or when people just shout. In anger lah. It brings me back to that very first moment. I was scared and off-balanced because I didn't see it coming.

Masa chaos dekat rumah Opah dulu, masa Pak Uda, Pak Cik, Hazreen, everyone jerit jerit, I cried like hell. I just uncontrollably cried.


So that was it. My two theories. About myself. Hahah. I'll think of other theories. It's a satisfaction to know the cause of your behaviour besides just accepting that it's in your gene. Sometimes, it's not. And I believe that. No matter how ugly or beautiful your genes were built, you still have flaws and you can fix it. If you choose it to be a certain way, it will be like your certain way.

Macam, contoh, my mom always cakap pasal anak luar nikah. Urm, I always cakap dengan dia pasal anak angkat. How I wanted to adopt. Lepastu dia akan cakap, kebanyakan anak angkat ni banyak anak luar nikah. And I was like, and what's wrong with that? And then she will go all they will become like their parents lah ini la itu la.

It sickens me. Kita bukannya cantik sangat nak judge orang kan? Because she's my mom, I didn't say much. Senyap jelah. Karang dia tersinggung, kita berdosa. But, in my opinion lah kan, kalau cantik acuan, cantiklah hasilnya. And the rest tu, Allah dah tentukan dalam takdir hidup kita. Janganlah salahkan keturunan. Jangan judge dia sebab dosa ibubapa dia. Redha jelah. Tak semestinya musibah yang menimpa, contoh, anak angkat (which is a anak luar nikah) tersebut adalah salah mak bapak dia. Mungkin ada dosa the foster parents dekat mana-mana.And Allah jadikan the anak angkat sebagai reminder. Faham tak? Nampak tak? Wallahualam.

All I want to say is, don't overlook stuff and meninggi diri. Kita takde hak pon nak judge dosa siapa kan?
It's a reminder for me too.

Cakap pasal judging, it reminds me of this one conversation I had with my mom. This one evening, dia ada tanya, artis-artis yang pakai tudung ni semuanya ikhlas ke? I answered, I don't know. And then she went, sekarang ni dah jadi macam trend pulak artis pakai-pakai tudung ni. Then I went, eloklah diorang bertudung daripada diorang dok seksi-seksi tu. Niat tu, antara dia dengan Allah lah. She wasn't satisfied. The thing is with my mom, she wants to be the one who is always right. Always.

She said, pakai tudung tapi fesyen-fesyen, pakai tudung tapi hati belum tentu suci lagi and a lot of stuff lah. I was like, chill mom. I answered, bila dia pakai tudung, sekurang-kurangnya dosa dedah aurat dia partly takde. Yang lain-lain tu dia boleh belajar along the journey of her penghijrahan. Slow-slowlah. Takboleh nak drastik. Apa pun niat dia, it is a good thing and I don't see a point to condemn. At all. Niat ke hati ke apa antara dia dengan tuhan lah. Apa hak kita nak judge niat dia? Kan?

People expect other people to be whether extremely good or extremely bad. Bila dah jadi extremely good kena kutuk, bila jadi extremely bad pun kena kutuk. It doesn't work that way. Life is a progress. You progress to be good. Step by step.

This is me reminding myself. I did sins too and I try to change too and honestly, it hurts when people question your faith and determination. And that's why, I don't talk about people anymore. If they change to the betterment, I'd say Alhamdulillah and may Allah bless. If they change towards the other side, I would tell myself to make it as a lesson. Jangan buat. Doa supaya they change. And I will tell myself this, 'Tak semestinya bila everyone is doing it, it's a no-problem'.

I'm not trying to pull off the goody-goody image. Sungguh tak. This is just a reminder to myself. Don't judge, it's not your job. It's His. Don't challenge His power. He made you.


That is a one long post -.-" Aiyoo. Oh, I wanna share this one status from my friend, Syazwani Samshuri. It touched my heart :')


'I'm just 21?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.. Tarik nafas, hahahahaahahaaaahaha..
Pendek katanya, LOL

Muhammad is 21 when he become Fateh.
Usamah is less than that when he leads a war.
Asma' much less when she went back n forth Makkah-Tsur.
Ali is younger thn ur bro when he replace rasulullah in his bed during Hijr.

And you say I'm just 21?
U cant even guarantee your death, hidup pun atas rahmat kasih sayang Allah.

Huhu.'