I mean, coming home to see your father raised his voice to your mother is probably the only one thing that I reeaaaallly wanna see. I'm crying of happiness. Joy.
And, this stomachache is killing me and my period is not going regularly. THAT worries me. I think the uterus is gonna go all bazooka on me again and unleash all the blood as if I have like infinity milligrams of it.
Besides that, I think I sincerely hate people now. I mean, they are all phonies. Like, fake. I'm turning cynical day by day. Maybe, 'I hate people' is a very strong statement and I probably might not want to use it because mom and dad and all those families and few friends that I have and love are people too. I don't hate them. I just hate the rest. I'm sick of them. I don't even want to smile at them. I'm officially an anti-social.
This is the emo me talking again, mind you. I might not feel the same way in my rational state in case you're trying to backfire or something. Yes, I run from the problems I created myself.
But hell, no one's reading this kan? Finally I feel safe again in my own blog. Just like the old times. Creating a blog for the sake of just that. Having a blog. Not for publishing or popularity or even being read.
I want to be heard but at the same time I don't. I just need to vent something without people knowing I'm suffering. That's the reason why.
I mean, come on, this is the side of me that is reaaallly dark and complicated and stupid. I would hate me. I already have.
This Dropbox thing is killing me. Giving me notifications every two seconds like I don't have anything else to do. Huh.
My hair feels soft. I was studying. If you say that checking Twitter every 20minutes and simultaneously trying hard to concentrate on books is studying, then I was studying tadi.
My boyfriend is ignoring me. But I don't feel like crying. Maybe I knew all along he's gonna give up. He'd said it many times, he will say it again. And again and again. Oh shit, tears. It's not his fault that I'm having my mid-life crisis now. It's not his fault that I'm undecided about my future now. And it is certainly not his fault that my period is not regular. DUH. I don't what other people's faults are. ALWAYS like that. All I know is I should be blamed for everything.
For having a failing relationship, for example, it is to me the finger should be pointed at.
For having a bad moral, me.
For having to sell the house, me.
For having a boyfriend that is constantly hurt, it is my fault.
Everybody is tired of me. I should never trust people with this dark, vulnerable side of me. I should have put that walls thicker and higher. People love me, if they ever did, for being the happy, emotionless, loud Fazra. Not this sadist, cry-in-bed, cynical, bad-tempered Fazra. I should've known if they ever step into my walls, they will never look at me or treat me the same way. Once you're in my walls, I act like what I always act in my walls. Get me?
I'm not that cheerful, naive, stupid Fazra anymore. I'm this.
What am I babbling about? Sigh
Tart nenas Mak bau sedap giloo. Huu. I want to sleep. Niat nak post dah terlunas, maka sekarang tidur.