Hello, dearies :)
I'm sorry I haven't post much lately. And probably you've lost interest in reading. That's fine with me actually. Really. But pouring everything in here still makes me feel calm as hell. Like a loyal friend that always listens and never complains. Like a hug you get after bawling your eyes out.
Like that.
I honestly don't need anyone reading this. It's prolly just plain embarassing, anyway.
Most of the times I don't have points to yap about because I usually don't know what I feel towards something or someone. For example, I feel happy because someone makes my day or something. But that's it. Happy. If I could, I want to just type 'Happy' and move on and wait for the next boring feeling to come and blog about it.
I hate it so much. This disability of describing what you feel inside. It makes you suffer in silence. It makes your heart sinks so deeply you doubt you might lost it. I envy those people who can describe everything in details. I love listening to them describing everything. I mean, being aware of everything that's happening inside of their hearts and their surroundings.
Another thing I hate so much is that damn feeling of not enough. I want to be different. For my soul's sake. Different.
I'm bitter and grumpy and selfish and ignorant and egoistic and melodramatic and judgmental and the list goes on. If I were to meet myself, I'd hate me. I'd really hate me.
True honesty there, kay people?
I am always trying to impress people. But hell, are they impressed? No. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
I constantly wanna know what people think of me but at the same time I don't even want to be with anybody. It sickens me to death. It makes me crazy thinking about it. What do I want? Just love the life you're living and screw everyone. Right?
People make me feel nauseated. I don't mean to sound rude, or anti-social. Every morning I wake up and do what I have to do and all I see is a sea of people trying to top no one's expectation. They dress so sickeningly beautiful, talk like the world's spotlight is directed ONLY on him/her, step on people (literally), faking smiles, flicking fingers, cursings, buy the coolest gadgets in store, wear nice branded clothes, brag about it and stuff. You know what I mean there, right?
I don't know. Sometimes, I just feel like running away. From all this. ALL OF THIS.
From medschool, from this place, from everyone.
Why am I always thinking of getting away you may ask?
Honestly? I don't know. That's just one of my dreams.
To get away, from all this messiness, and do things that make me happy.
Like,
a) drinking iced Milo on a cold night
b) laying on the rooftop and fall asleep under the stars
c) walk alone on empty streets and stop and then walk again and then stop and the walk again and see the first morning light
d) laying in bed all day/night long.
e) go to an old bookstore and make friends with the owner
f) don't smile if I don't feel like it
g) dressing up to what I want. Be it pyjamas to a party or a tutu to swimming.
h) feeling the loneliness start to creep inside me and being able to say 'Fxck off, I'm stronger now'
i) a field of grass so green it hurts your eyes, the sky that's so clear it makes you sleepy, the wind so soothing it makes you wanna cry
You know? Things like that. They sound stupid, though. Hmph.
"You can't make everybody likes you. You don't even like everybody" - Hanis Zalikha
"I wish I can call and say things I want to say. I wish I can text and tell them how I longed for them. I wish I didn't change so much that things are not the same anymore. People change, and without them I'm so frail" - Aina Fahimah, a friend.
I miss my friends. I push them so far away. I wish I wasn't so ignorant. I wish. I wish.