Berapa kali dah pon aku delete blog nieh. Lepas tuh, undelete balik. Then repeat repeat repeat.
Aku taktau nak cakap apa sebenarnya. Aku rasa.. entah. This is not the...suitable medium untuk aku spill segala macam masalah aku macam dulu. I used to ramble tak tentu hala, buat post merapu, empat lima post dalam sehari. Dulu. Ada jeh idea nak tulis. Tapi sekarang nieh, entah.
The words just don't come out. Taktahu nak cakap apa. Tak flow macam duluu.
I'm all alone harinieh. I slept at five and bangun entah pukul berapa. Had my shower for I don't-know berapa jam, yang aku tau bila aku keluar, Aish dah ready nak pergi sekolah. So maybe it was like one-ish gitu.
Tadi kena fire dengan Bonda. Because I asked her to like send me to Afa's. Sekali kena fire. Haih, bad timing kot. So tak pergi. Masuk bilik, kurung diri. Keluar keluar Bonda dah takde. So that brings me to 'I'm all alone harinieh' part.
Yeah.
Life's great.
Bonda cakap tadi kenapa tak cari dia bila aku ada masalah. Kenapa nak kena cari orang lain? Kenapa kena macam tu?
I did bagitau problems aku dekat Bonda. But tader details to the max. But just to let her know apa yang aku lalui untuk sekian sekian hari. Just to keep her updated. But Mom isn't Afa or Nad or sapa sapa yang rapat. Mom is not a friend that will listen without being judgmental. Mom will be mom.
I want somebody yang dengar. Dengar for the sake of listening itself. Because spilling really makes me feel better. And spilling moment yang akhirnya end up kena lecture memang sangatlah turn off. Afa's that. Dia bukan judgmental. I can spill segala benda dekat dia without the fear of being judged. Sebab dia dengar and she knows aku taknak advice, cadangan, solution kemende sume. I'll say kalau aku nak nasihat ke apa. But I don't. I just wanna spill. Aku nak orang dengar aku cakap. Because people are busy nak betulkan orang itu salah ini salah. I know what I did alright? I know what's right what isn't. I know. Aku cuma nak vent.
Mungkin sebab tuh Mom is not the first person yang aku carik most of the time. For God's sake aku sangat nak spill segala benda dekat Mak. Because I spend most of the time dekat rumah pon. Aku tak kemana. I swear I want that more than anything tapi nak buat macam mana. She's not that. There're a lot of times yang aku try nak spill but end up being lectured. So many times. Lagi tambah masalah kan?
Sigh.
I really need to go out bercakap dengan orang and bukan cuma bercakap dalam alam internet nieh jeh. I need to laugh.
Dengan Albab lagi. Haih.
Aku nak Oreo.